A Quick Update

Yesterday I awoke, on my own accord as I did not have to work, as any ordinary day. It was Friday and as previously mentioned I was off (from the first job) and so was my boyfriend. Unfortunately, I work a second job on Fridays and I did still have to make an appearance there. After spending a nice morning together, I went off on my way promising to return; while being promised my favorite for lunch.

I worked as diligently as I could at the office and rushed home, though not as quickly as I had hoped for. The boyfriend and I rushed off to lunch and then to our favorite place, the park. The park is a special place for us, as we used to live behind it and walk there every day. It was our place and our thing. I was beyond excited to be going back as it had been quite some time since we had returned. The weather was beautiful, a crisp fall day.

I pointed out the bench I used to wait for him on and where we used to sit and talk, he suggested we go sit down. After a few seconds of sitting there and some amazingly sincere sweet words, he pulled out a diamond and asked me to marry him!

I said yes.

So, I awoke yesterday thinking it was a normal day; however, I went to sleep as an engaged woman! Amazing!

Speak Now # 2

I spent my entire life bending over backwards hoping for the one day you would say “I’m proud of you.” Twenty three years and a college degree later, I am still waiting. I am unsure what it is I need to accomplish to hear you say those words—become the first female president? However, anybody and everybody I encounter that knows you is constantly telling me how much you brag about me and how proud you are; you can tell them but not me?

I spent my entire life wishing you would be a bigger part of it—I wanted you to be there more. That’s all any little girl wants, but I earned for it deep within my soul. And when you didn’t make the means to accommodate my wants, I made it happen—I came to you. Looking back now I see that was wrong—you should be meeting my needs, should be coming to me, not the other way around. But still I did, I wanted you to be a bigger part of my life, so I made it happen.

Sadly, that still didn’t work. Even being there, with you and in your face wasn’t enough. You were still absent and not a part of my life (oh, and still never told me you were proud). I used to chalk it up to a personality trait, it was just the way you were and I eventually learned to accept that. I even defended you to others and claimed that it wasn’t personal, just a personality flaw. I was unhappy and even felt (sometimes still) as if I cheated myself out of a better future for a dumb wish, but I accepted it and accepted your flaws.

However, I am not so convinced it is a personality trait or flaw. I have seen you interact with others and I must say that you are completely wonderful with them. You didn’t miss a game or an event; you were always there for them. But me? That was too much to ask, you had better things to do—or sometimes, you had their events to attend to. And that’s fine, and even great that you were there for them. But I must ask you, was it ever awkward to be sitting there as an outsider, with both of their parents present also? Did it ever occur to that their parents were already there but yet I was performing for a crowd with neither one of mine present? Apparently not.

I am unsure of what the difference is between them and myself and I am unsure of your motivations; however, I want you to know that while it may still cut me, I do not care any longer. I spent my life performing, both athletically and academically, not for personal achievement but for dumb wishes and hopes, but now, now when I take that bar and dance, I dance for me; when I ace a test or get a 4.0, I do it for me. I no longer live my life for you but I live it for me…I just wish I had experienced this joy sooner in life instead of wasting the best years of my life trying to prove myself and attain something that is clearly impossible.

So, when you look in on me and my life , all alone from the middle of your world—as it continues to come crumbling down, I hope you do look in with pride on how well I’ve done given my circumstances and how truly amazing I am…and I hope you realize that I live for me.

My mother, the contrarian

My mother has always been known for being abrasive and confrontational. In fact, she loves confrontation, she thrives on it. During major sporting events my mom will walk into a room, figure out who the majority is pulling for and pull for the opposing team, out of spite--even against her own choice of teams. That's how dedicated she is to confrontation.

My mom, who is a very negative focused individual, brought up a somewhat controversial issue in our neck of the woods--the new Wal-Mart. Well, now that my family is aware that I am a "flaming liberal," they are also aware of my views on Wal-Mart. My mom begins the conversation about how all these people are against it and blah blah blah. I chime in and say that it is actually going to be great--bring in a ton of revenue for the county and create jobs; however, i wish it was something more like a Home Depot or a Lowe's, anything besides a Wal-mart, anything. Upon receiving my approval (for lack of a better word), she chimes in saying how it will kill the local businesses and really hurt the pharmacies and food lions we currently have. I just looked at her, and she continued using my own talking points from the past....because I said it would actually do the county some good. Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce to you my mom, the contrarian.

Speak Now #1

Almost four years have gone since I drove away watching you break down in your red car. I would be lying if claimed that your tear streaked pained face doesn’t still haunt me. Before you I had never experienced devotion and affection; it was brand new to me. And I loved it, I was happy. I enjoyed being with an individual that was supportive of both my job (even if he knew the pains and was determined to get me out) and my academic career.

In fact there wasn’t much I didn’t enjoy about the time we spent together. Every day was exciting and interesting—always something new. Every day was like a fairytale, with the sweetest gestures and words. Any girl would dream of having what I had with you. Yet, it wasn’t enough. And that is completely unfair to you.

I know the years have passed yet the guilt has yet to surpass. You did nothing to deserve the pain I caused, yet I do not regret it. I am, however, sorry that what you gave me was not enough to satisfy my young heart desires. I want to have a career and go places with my life, not stay where I was raised….our ambitions were radically different and would not have worked in the long run. I am sure you see this now, after the dust has settled and we have both gone in our respective ways.

Yet, I had to tell you. It has been haunting me and you needed to know that I am sincerely sorry for the pain.

Speak Now

I spent my entire life trying to please those around me; earning and dying for their love, approval, and affection. It took many hours of self reflection and the experience of unconditional love to release my true self. Throughout my life I have bent over backwards, kept my mouth shut, and hid myself from the world hoping for something as simple as a “thank you,” or “I’m proud of you.” Needless to say it’s been twenty three years and I have yet to receive either of them.

However, I have accepted that this is the way the people in my life are and I have stopped expecting change. This does not mean it does not hurt when I’m abused or that I don’t get bothered; it does mean that I have stopped hiding. I no longer hide behind the lies and faces that my family wishes to see but allow the true me to shine through. I don’t keep my mouth shut but instead speak, and speak freely.

With that being said, I feel as if there are things from my best that I have not spoken due to earlier constraints and fears. Well, speak now or forever hold your peace.

A Forgetful Moment

Always a very focused individual, many people have found it strange that I have fallen so madly in love with somebody who suffers (well, sometimes he enjoys) from Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). Sometimes our motivation and drive are so completely opposite that it amazes me that we are able to work everything through.

I have often been described as “OCD” or “anal retentive” about things; as well as focused and driven. In high school I would rather stay home and complete my assignment or paper when it was first assigned then attend a party, to relieve myself the anxiety of completing the task (which was never a problem). My boyfriend, on the other hand, is a procrastinator and tends to wait until the night before to get something done. Usually that works for him, performing well under pressure.

I’ve always been grounded in reality and pretty rational. I use Excel spreadsheets daily and could produce you a budget I have compiled for both our upcoming apartment and eventual wedding. I’d rather look at the numbers and be prepared with facts and know what is coming; my boyfriend, well he’s a day dreamer.

Amazingly, we have made and could not be happier. Many of you psychology people out there will already know that some of this is thanks to “Inclusion of Other in Self (IOS).” For those of you unaware of IOS, it is the process in which an individual will begin to incorporate traits of his or her partner into his or her own personality. For example, I have incorporated some not so great traits of ADD into my life.

Throughout my relationship I have noticed little things that have slipped into my life, but nothing as large as some of the new spaciness, forgetfulness, and attention problems I am recently experiencing. In fact, I came into the office this morning that I had left the file cabinet open from where I pulled a file yesterday afternoon---cabinets and drawers left open is a huge pet peeve of mine. I must have just forgotten ;-)

My Conservative Family

The more I think about last nights events and the topics discussed, the more upset I become. Whenever I try to sit down and rationally explain what happened, what led to those events, and how society is shaping young children to believe such hateful, narrow minded views, my head explodes. So unfortunately, there will be no more elaboration on the events...not yet at least. I apologize.

My Conservative Family--A Transcript

Sitting at dinner tonight, my younger brother is clearly upset about not being invited to a family adult dinner in the coming weeks. Out of his anger/jealousy he informs my mother that she does not need to go eat a bunch of food and gain any more weight. Note, my mother has lost a lot of weight and weighs less than I do. This leads to conversations about weight, especially that of women.

My younger brother continues to say “I don’t want a plus size mom,” and I counter act with “I don’t want an anorexic mom,” in a joking fashion. My mom, being the woman that she is, asks what is wrong with that and continues to prod and ask questions. It is revealed that it is ok for a man to be big or plus size but he should have a small wife; women shouldn’t be big.

I’ve held back as long as I could at this point so it’s my turn to question. I ask him where these ideas are coming from and why he thinks that way, truly curious as to what makes his little mind think so sexist. After numerous “I just do,” “I’m so smart,” and “I don’t knows,” I give up and clearly state that when he grows up I will question him again.

Somehow, I don’t quite follow the logic myself, but somehow my step father looks up at me and asks me “Do you believe in inter-racial couples?” Well, I thought my family was fairly aware of my liberal stances; however, it must clearly be my mother and sister. Obviously, I reply in the affirmative and state that I do believe in them and do not see a problem. After explaining to my siblings, more so my brother, what inter racial is, I stated again my approval; however, this time with the disclaimer that I, myself, I have never partaken in one. My step father re

plied “that’s sick” and removed himself from the table to retrieve something.

The logic to the next question was obvious and I was prepared for it. It was actually asked by my sister: “What about homosexuality?” Again, I stated that I thought everybody was aware of my stance there but “I am very pro gay rights.” I believe I said this a few times; even when my brother asked me about a man and a man. I support gay rights and have publically advocated for them.

And bless my little sister’s heart. In the midst of my family saying that it is wrong and un natural (where, I combated with the fact that is found in over four hundred species, thanks Baba) she asked why we had to discriminate. My mother, unaware of my passion, stated that discriminate implies that we are denying rights—where I interjected and stated that we are in fact denying the gay community rights.

Which, obviously led to the issue of the Bible. She stated that we denying the right to get married because the bible states that marriage is between a man and a woman. Of course, I quickly followed with “The bible is not the United States Constitution however.” I then had to explain to her that founding fathers did not write the Constitution on Christian beliefs and that the majority of them were deists.

After a quick lesson on all of this, my step father looks at my mother and says (and I quote) “Did you raise her?” Luckily, she responded in the affirmative and stated that I was entitled to my beliefs…..I claimed I went off to college and got brainwashed.

So, that’s my narrow minded conservative family, a transcript of dinner. Expect reflection and interpretation and more thoughts tomorrow…when I’ve had time to really let it fester.

I Pledge Alligence...just not the same way you do.

Every Friday morning I am granted the opportunity to go into work an hour later than the normal. This is due to the fact that (1) I am the only employee working on Friday (and only a few hours at that) and (2) most places we deal with do not open until an hour after our normal operating hours. On Friday mornings I get to hear items on the radio that I usually miss during the week, for example, I get to hear the Pledge of Allegiance recited and the National Anthem sang. Not an extremely patriotic individual, I usually have a reaction to hearing these in the morning; however, my reaction this morning was not too pleasant.

First, let’s break down the Pledge of Allegiance:

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

At first glance there may not seem to be anything wrong with that; however, I can assure you that this statement is a bold faced lie.

For starters, “one nation under God,” is the first lie in the pledge. Contrary to whatever you may feel or chose to believe, America is not a Christian nation nor was it founded on Christian ideologies. In fact, it was not even founded on the basis of vast freedom of religion. Read a history book, do some research and you will find that our Founding Fathers were not Christian, or even religious in the sense of the word used today. Do some more history research and you will discover that the clause “under God” was not added until the year 1954 (note the pledge was originally written in 1892). Our country is not “under God,” so count that as lie or fallacy number one.

Lie or fallacy number two: “indivisible.” This one makes me chuckle just a little bit because our country is very divisible. I know the pledge was written after the Civil War, but seriously…you don’t get but so much more divisible than a Civil War. Strike number one. Strike number two: class systems. I will admit I am not but so knowledgeable regarding this area, but the gap between the wealthy and the poor is larger than it has ever been before—again the country is divided; the rich and the poor. Strike number three: two party system. I know especially with this election, the entire country is divided between the right and the left—everything Obama does is socialist and extremely left (btw, totally untrue, those of us on the left are extremely disappointed) and everything the Republicans do is extreme and turning the country backwards (not completely true, just those getting media coverage). Again the country is divided. And to take it one step forward, the two parties themselves are even becoming divided on some major issues (gay rights, immigration, taxes, etc…). So, lie or fallacy number two.

Lie or fallacy number three, my personal favorite: “liberty and justice for all.” I should not even have to address the problems with this one. Seriously? Liberty and justice for all? All Americans? Then, I must say it is safe to assume that African Americans, Hispanic Americans, and Lesbian, Bisexual, Gay, and Transgender (LBGT) are not Americans. At the time it was written women were not considered Americans either, nor were those who did not own land. How magical, liberty and justice for all—as long as you are a land owning white male. How quaint. It kills me that this has to be said over one hundred years since it was written, but obviously there is no such thing as liberty and justice for all in America…not yet at least. LGBT cannot even serve openly in the military…but it’s liberty and justice for all. Lie number three touches me deep down in my heart and I could write a whole book on the problems there; so I will leave it here.

I will; however, note that there is one truthful statement in the pledge: to the republic for which it stands. For once our country is recognized for what it truly is, a republic, not a democracy. Kudos for getting that one detail right.


Oh, and by the way, the author of the pledge was self declared and recognized Socialist…chew on that.

Learn What You Live

Growing up I had a beautiful framed picture of a well known poem titled Children Learn What They Live. I read it daily growing up and I remember taking to heart what it said and making a decision to not learn what I live. I feel as if I have done pretty well, especially considering the poem, which I have kindly posted below for you:

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.

If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

For those of you who know me and my family, you can easily tell that while I may have initially learned the environment in which I lived, I, however, have managed to learn and maintain the exact opposite of the environment in which I grew up. Sadly, I’m not so sure I can say the same for my younger siblings.

I am constantly reminded of the starch differences between them and myself, and even my family. A positive focused “elitist” who leans to the left and cares about her health and diet choices is the opposite of my negative country conservative family who would eat red meat and potatoes and candy all day long. My younger siblings seem to have embraced that life and live it. I don’t feel as if the above poem truly fits the way they learn and live; but I was able to find one titled Teenagers Learn What They Live. I think it describes them well:

If teenagers live with pressure, they learn to be stressed.
If teenagers live with failure, they learn to give up.
If teenagers live with rejection, they learn to feel lost.
If teenagers live with too many rules, they learn to get around them.
If teenagers live with too few rules, they learn to ignore the needs of others.
If teenagers live with broken promises, they learn to be disappointed.
If teenagers live with respect, they learn to honour others.
If teenagers live with trust, they learn to tell the truth.
If teenagers live with openness, they learn to discover themselves.
If teenagers live with natural consequences, they learn to be accountable.
If teenagers live with responsibility, they learn to be self-reliant.
If teenagers live with healthy habits, they learn to be kind to their bodies.
If teenagers live with support, they learn to feel good about themselves.
If teenagers live with creativity, they learn to share who they are.
If teenagers live with caring attention, they learn how to love.
If teenagers live with positive expectations, they learn to help build a better world.

Again, for those of you who know me and my family, I am sure you would agree that my siblings have in fact learned what they live. Anybody who stays in our house for longer than an hour will see testament to this: the way my mother and step father talk to one another is the same way in which my brother and sister speak to one another. In fact, I listened to my mother yell at the kids last night and then slam her bedroom door, only to hear my sister then yell at my brother and slam her bedroom door. Like mother like daughter.

However, what sticks out to me the most in this poem are the lines regarding rules. Growing up I had many rules, such as rules regarding chores and homework which had to be done by a certain time, rules regarding time limits on the phone and watching television, and rules regarding my grades. If these rules were broken I was punished, usually by being ground from everything, and yes I mean everything. I learned that rules are necessary in the way of life and learned respect for them, and for others.

Clearly, my siblings have not had this same experience. And I say this because I watch it. Progress reports were issued last week and my brother’s was terrible—grades I, myself, have never received. Appalled by these grades, I set back and was ready to watch the terror unfold. Sadly, I was greatly disappointed. There was the stern lecture, or yelling as we do in my house, and the usual new polices placed to be sure homework gets done, but that was it. The Monday after they were issued (note, Monday is a school night), my brother was out until 9:00 at a football game—no he does not play. Every day I have come home and he has either been at a friend’s house or watching television…not doing homework or sulking in his room because he is grounded.

This made me think back to all the other rules and how they don’t seem to apply to him, and he knows this. This is actually why his grades are poor, because he doesn’t care and doesn’t want to…and he gets away with it. So what has he learned, that he can get away with anything, rules don’t apply to him, and a complete disrespect for other people’s belongings.

And people wonder why I can’t wait to leave my house and why I don’t want kids. Stay a week at my place, you’ll understand.

A Necessary Evil

A Necessary Evil. This statement has been said about practically everything from religion to politics to technology. Lately I find myself using this term in the technological sense in regards to the internet. My patience for the internet has lapsed and I often wish to just unplug. While I have become rather successful at unplugging during certain hours, I have not been able to unplug as much as I would like to.

Between ten hours at the office where email and Google are both vital sources of information and my three online course I am taking, I have a rather difficult time of limiting my internet use, even though I want to. However, to make up for the necessary time I have to spend on the internet for work and college purposes, I have dwindled my facebook account and still wish to deactivate completely, as well clean up some of my feeds. This allows me to limit my recreational use, which has freed up more time for studying and spending me time.

Our generation has fallen into a culture of technology. We would rather spend more time with virtual “friends” then going out and having face to face interactions. We would rather sit and read facebook and feeds for an hour then conversing with our loved ones. The internet may not be clinically addictive, but it is reinforcing, thus conditioning us to constantly get online and check facebook, our email, twitter, etc. It’s out of control.